Thoughts on Twitter

Twitter has proven time and again that, irregardless of the meaning or message behind any post, the sea of easily offended gremlins will absolutely rush forth with keyboards in hand, prepared to make as many death threats as they can cram into the text box before the diabetes and carpal tunnel cripples them physically to match with the already present mental disabilities. People say that it is impossible to please everyone. This is true. Now take that fact and apply it to a whole website. Now you can’t please everyone, and those you didn’t please are now giving their fingers the workout of a lifetime on the same sticky, crusty, keyboards they use to spam email Joe Rogan government conspiracy theories to tell you that you should be put to death for thinking that Bill Cosby is funny. (They’re just mad that when they tried his method it didn’t work.)

Now, when Twitter users aren’t complaining about which celebrity hates which race this week, they’re writing about how they’re gonna decapitate you with a katana, Make a lampshade out of your skin, and then feed their thirteen year old poodle, Guts, your remains. All because you said that Jeff Dunham’s “Arguing with Myself” is too old to cost six bucks on Ebay.

You see, Twitter represents the concept of negative space. It exists by not existing, in that Twitter is made for people who have opinions on things, by people who have opinions on things, which is great! Except that if you do have an opinion, you had better be sure its the right one, or you’re a worthless, stupid, extremist, racist, sexist, egotistical, offensive, misgendering, baby killing, puppy kicking, orphan burning, kitten aborting satanist. All because you said that Dave Chapel is a good comedian. The problem lies with the fact that Twitter is simply a platform for angry people. A gladiatorial arena in which the fiercest (And foulest) of keyboard warriors come to flex the amount of previous accounts they have gotten banned. Including the ones they own.

It is in this arena that “Xx_Eversorhighlander_xX” will leave a six and a half paragraph rant about how an old guy named Roy is a snowflake for quitting Twitter because everyone was making fun of his dead wife in the comments. The previously mentioned Mr. Highlander will then curl up into a ball next to the front door and cry quietly while wondering why his dad wanted a divorce.

As you can see, the twitter virus is dangerous, but fear not! For there is an antidote! Unbeknownst to most twitter users, there is a button hidden deep within the inner reaches of the site. Though not hard to find, this button would appear to be rather elusive, considering the size of Twitter’s user database. Inscribed on this button are the words “DELETE MY ACCOUNT”. And sure enough, once this button is pushed, the skin of your back will De-fuse from your computer chair, your fingertips will unpeel from the keyboard, and (If you’re one of the lucky ones), your shower will begin working again.

Congratulations! You are now free from Twitter! Now go out into that big ol’ world and see for yourself that no one cares how many retweets you have! But hey, at least you gained one thing. Your level in life increased from incel, all the way up to loser! Go get ‘em tiger!